Things I've Said

"No, there's nothing wrong with your cooking. Everybody likes to pray after eating just to be different."

"Of course, we're dysfunctional. That's what makes us so interesting."

"There's something basically wrong in a world where a gallon of gas costs more than a gallon of milk."

"Man, if I knew that was illegal, I would've at least made an effort to get away with it."

"Oh, I'm sure it wasn't the first time somebody's pants accidently fell down in a thrift store."

"No, I didn't get lost. I just felt an overwhelming need to go to Indiana."

"Emergency? What kind of emergency can somebody have in a cemetery?"

"No, it's not a good thing that every deputy in the sheriff's department knows you by name."

"Yeah, I know where I'm going. If I didn't, I'd be going someplace else."

"The pain wouldn't be bad if it didn't hurt so much."

"Hey, if the universe is even close to what her school project looks likes, we're all really screwed."

"I never dated a woman who owned a gun. If I did, I probably wouldn't be here now."

"Why don't you ever lose something that's not important?"

"If I end up dying for some dumb-ass reason, I'm coming back and haunting the crap out of everybody."

"I met the girl of my dreams, but I ended up marrying your mom."

"I can't stand to see you like this. You think you could go into the other room?"

"If my life had any real direction, do you really think I'd be here now?"

"If it's true that God always gives you what you need, He must have figured I needed a shitload of grief when He picked out my kids."

"The mystery of life? I'm still trying to figure out why the Green Giant is so fucking jolly."

"I don't know. Somebody putting flowers on their own grave. That's kind of out there-- even for our family."

"Not everybody can be special. How would that work, anyway?"

"Why is it the end of the world just because somebody can't find a hair brush?"

"Aside for mental health issues, our family is really pretty normal."

"Everybody in my father's family lives to be very old. Even the alcoholics live to be well into their eighties."

"I could never see myself shooting a helpless animal. A human being, yeah-- especially in the drive thru at Burger King."

"I actually am pretty sensitive. It's just that sometimes things shoot out my mouth before going through my brain."

"Trust me-- floor gearshifts have ruined a lot of dates."

"It's bad enough your grandparents scarred me while I was a kid. Do you absolutely have to scar me for the rest of my life?"

"Yeah, if all you do is eat cheesecake and sit for eight hours a day on the internet, you're bound to put on two, three, twenty pounds."

"Of course, I don't remember you telling me. If I did, I'd know what you were talking about."

"That's what I like about large cemetery plots: Everybody's in one place, and I don't have to go wandering around searching for somebody who's lost."

"I'm like this because God hates me. You-- you do it to yourself."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's dead. It's not floating on the water like that because it's trying to get a sun tan."

"If only I realized everything my parents told me when I was a kid was true, I would have paid closer attention."

"Yeah, I know they're trying to legalize it in California, but, tell me again, what that has to do with you."

"Hey, all I know is there's twenty bucks missing from my pocket, and you're listening to a new CD."

"At this point the only reason I don't go to church is that I'm afraid what might happen."

"I know I don't listen to anybody. Even when I talk to myself, I catch only every other word."

"I know you have to ask me something. I was just wondering when that sort of thing is going to stop."

"Hey, who elected me President of Answering Stupid Questions? Whoever it was, tell them I want a recount."

"If people were born to be happy, they'd come out laughing, not crying."

"A little pain never hurt anyone."

All the Good People

 All the good people

The bell tower of the church dominated the skyline in that area of the neighborhood. When the bells rang they sounded sonorous and commanding. This was at a time before churches used tape recordings of bells played over loud speakers placed in bell towers. Such notions then would have been considered ridiculous. You could rest assured if you heard  bells, high above bells were actually swinging to and fro, and huge clappers were actually striking metal to create the somber tones.

Four times each Sunday morning the bells boomed out to beckon worshippers, and all the good people thronged to church as though draw there by magic. Most of the people walked, those who were of sound body, as it was also a time when people considered it lazy or profligate to use their cars when the church was only a few blocks away. They all began as stragglers after they left their homes, but as they neared the church they clumped together in to small groups only to have to thin into single file lines when they enter through the church’s three entrances.

Inside the church the pews slowly filled beneath the vaulted ceiling. Each scrape of shoe sole on the tile floor as somebody sidled into place in a pew seemed to echo out of every corner of the church. Every harumph of somebody clearing their throat was cause to look around. Every whine of a child too young to know the import of silence in this hallowed place drew impatient frowns from every pew. Soon the church was filled, women wearing colorful hats, men wearing solemn suits or shirts and ties, children wearing clothes they always wore but immaculately clean. There was the silent shifting and shuffling of humanity in the hush of the church. High above the bell had quieted, the last reverberations fading into an eerie nothingness. They patiently wait for the beginning of Mass, as each person in the sacristy of his mind thought thoughts that had little to do with prayer.