Things I've Said

"No, there's nothing wrong with your cooking. Everybody likes to pray after eating just to be different."

"Of course, we're dysfunctional. That's what makes us so interesting."

"There's something basically wrong in a world where a gallon of gas costs more than a gallon of milk."

"Man, if I knew that was illegal, I would've at least made an effort to get away with it."

"Oh, I'm sure it wasn't the first time somebody's pants accidently fell down in a thrift store."

"No, I didn't get lost. I just felt an overwhelming need to go to Indiana."

"Emergency? What kind of emergency can somebody have in a cemetery?"

"No, it's not a good thing that every deputy in the sheriff's department knows you by name."

"Yeah, I know where I'm going. If I didn't, I'd be going someplace else."

"The pain wouldn't be bad if it didn't hurt so much."

"Hey, if the universe is even close to what her school project looks likes, we're all really screwed."

"I never dated a woman who owned a gun. If I did, I probably wouldn't be here now."

"Why don't you ever lose something that's not important?"

"If I end up dying for some dumb-ass reason, I'm coming back and haunting the crap out of everybody."

"I met the girl of my dreams, but I ended up marrying your mom."

"I can't stand to see you like this. You think you could go into the other room?"

"If my life had any real direction, do you really think I'd be here now?"

"If it's true that God always gives you what you need, He must have figured I needed a shitload of grief when He picked out my kids."

"The mystery of life? I'm still trying to figure out why the Green Giant is so fucking jolly."

"I don't know. Somebody putting flowers on their own grave. That's kind of out there-- even for our family."

"Not everybody can be special. How would that work, anyway?"

"Why is it the end of the world just because somebody can't find a hair brush?"

"Aside for mental health issues, our family is really pretty normal."

"Everybody in my father's family lives to be very old. Even the alcoholics live to be well into their eighties."

"I could never see myself shooting a helpless animal. A human being, yeah-- especially in the drive thru at Burger King."

"I actually am pretty sensitive. It's just that sometimes things shoot out my mouth before going through my brain."

"Trust me-- floor gearshifts have ruined a lot of dates."

"It's bad enough your grandparents scarred me while I was a kid. Do you absolutely have to scar me for the rest of my life?"

"Yeah, if all you do is eat cheesecake and sit for eight hours a day on the internet, you're bound to put on two, three, twenty pounds."

"Of course, I don't remember you telling me. If I did, I'd know what you were talking about."

"That's what I like about large cemetery plots: Everybody's in one place, and I don't have to go wandering around searching for somebody who's lost."

"I'm like this because God hates me. You-- you do it to yourself."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's dead. It's not floating on the water like that because it's trying to get a sun tan."

"If only I realized everything my parents told me when I was a kid was true, I would have paid closer attention."

"Yeah, I know they're trying to legalize it in California, but, tell me again, what that has to do with you."

"Hey, all I know is there's twenty bucks missing from my pocket, and you're listening to a new CD."

"At this point the only reason I don't go to church is that I'm afraid what might happen."

"I know I don't listen to anybody. Even when I talk to myself, I catch only every other word."

"I know you have to ask me something. I was just wondering when that sort of thing is going to stop."

"Hey, who elected me President of Answering Stupid Questions? Whoever it was, tell them I want a recount."

"If people were born to be happy, they'd come out laughing, not crying."

"A little pain never hurt anyone."